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Making a living should be fun and not called work. Eraser Top Design loves to have fun, so check back daily to see what type of humor/fun we have on the Lighten Up page.
Submissions are welcome, but not guaranteed to be used.
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| I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.
- Bette Midler
3/22
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| While attending a convention, three psychiatrists are having a talk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, " one says, "but we have no body to go to with our problems."
They decided to help each other out by listening to the others' problems.
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
3/19
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| The only thing money gives you is the freedom not to worry about money.
-Johnny Carson
3/18
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| Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area, it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1979.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1979 me self.'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
3/17
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| Did you ever notice? When you put The with IRS,
it spells Theirs.
3/16
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| Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying, he sings.
-Robert Benchley
3/15
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| Top Ten Things Heard on Noah's Ark
10. "Did anyone think to bring umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two Flies in here."
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to bring two shovels?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquito's on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there."
4. "No ham, you can't eat the pig."
3. "And whatever you do, Do Not pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie."
And the #1 thing heard on Noah's Ark was. . .
"Are we there yet?"
3/12
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| If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know it?
- Steven Wright
3/11
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| While away on business, Adam thought he should get his wife a little gift. So he went to the store and asked the clerk to recommend some perfume. She showed him a bottle that cost $50. "That's a bit much," Adam said, so the clerk returned with a $30 bottle.
"That's still quite a bit," Adam complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. "What I mean," said Adam, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
3/10
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| I don't consider myself bald, I am simply taller than my hair.
- Thom Sharp
Note: Eraser Top's new motto
3/9
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| Government Verbosity
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
3/8
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| Bad Waiter
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb on the meat.
"What are you doing" exclaimed the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?"
"What" answered the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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| Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-George Carlin
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| "My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-Roseanne Barr
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| Q. Why are retired persons so reluctant to clean out the garage, basement, or attic.
A. They know that as soon as they do, their adult kids will want to store stuff in the extra space.
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